Peace and Panic

Do you ever find yourself waking up with a start in the middle of the night because you suddenly realized in your half-dream state that your baby hasn't cried in over an hour? Ever felt that drop in the pit of your stomach when dread likes to attack that groggy sleepy mind?  Oh. You have?  You must be a mom. 
Panic, anxiety, fear whatever you want to call it.  "Fear has torment."  The Bible says so.  Fear torments people. 
The past few weeks have been strange.  I'm not gonna say that they were all fear and torment because they weren't.  But they were odd.

Tonight, it's about midnight and I'm finding myself starting a new blog.  I'll probably want to delete it in the morning but if I do, I will.  But for now I think I need to just write my thoughts.

Ivory around Christmas (4 months)

Today I dealt with an ill baby.  Ivory is six months old and she has her first real cold.  It breaks my heart to see this tiny, happy curious child so miserable.  I've spent most of my day today just holding her.  Because deep down, I think that if I'm not thinking about her, holding her, touching her, watching her - then I'm being irresponsible.  Especially when she feels so miserable.  I gave birth to this little creature and now this person who is made of me has to be physically separate from me and grow up and leave.  How do I just get on?  How do I protect this person.  My whole body seems to just want to pull her back to me where it's safe... where I know where she is at all times... both Ivory and Olive.  It's maddening knowing that I cannot be everything for them at every moment of every day.  But now I sound neurotic.  And I'm asking myself where's my faith? 
I believe in God.  He's promised in the Bible to protect my children.  Do I believe him?  Oh wait.. here it comes... that old religious "you need to be better" speach.  Yeah.  Why do I take that?  You need to have more faith... you trust God don't you?  What's wrong with you?  Geez, my internal monologue is getting pretty abusive isn't it?
The thing is... God is good. So good.  He's good to me and He loves me.  I'm becoming so incredibly aware of how tenderly God loves me.
Tonight I found this quote:
"Peace

Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears.  In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic.  We think: If I really care, I'll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset.  We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying. 

Our best problem-solving resource is peace.  Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state.  Often fear and anxiety blcok solutions.  Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution.  It does not help to harbor turmoil.  It does not help. 

Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well.  Things will work out.  We can surround ourselves with the resources of the universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend.  We can relax and let ourselves feel peace."

~ Melody Beattie

I can rest.  I am allowed to feel peaceful.  Worry is not being responsible.  My worrying won't help my baby get better any faster. 

I called the on-call nurse at the hospital who basically told me the same thing.  Baby's fine, she just needs to rest and let the cold run its course. 

My Olive <3

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18

So maybe I need a bit more "perfecting."  I'm thankful tonight again for the grace of God that accepts me and loves me as I am... not because of what I do - but just because I'm his and I belong to Him. Just as I see how my husband loves his daughters because they are his. 

Tonight I'm going to rest in the knowledge of God's love for me and my family... and tomorrow when I wake up, Ivory's fever will be gone and I'll delete my blog :)